Band Names (It Grows)

1. Galloping Gum Rot
2. The Dirty Dub Muppets
3. Shitty Slippers
4. My Lesbian Assistant
5. Thank You for Petting Me
6. Buccal Flange
7. Plastic Feet in Little Italy
8. Semen Deliveries from the Dexter Society
9. 53 First Cousins
10. Weird and Wonderful Sausages
11. Sponge Heaven
12. Carb Junkie
13. The Pathetics
14. Hypoglycemic Fit
15. Cheese Dreams
16. Sung to Sleep
17. Dick und Doof
18. Teenage Nudist
19. the Yum Undies
20. Paranoid for a Good Reason
21. Electronic Musical Masturbation
22. Bearded Bride
23. Hell for Leather
24. Stewardesses of SIN
25. Waste of an Erection
26. Decent Folk Amongst Fuckwits
27. Yer Fucking Mother
28. Muffin in the Hood
29. Society of SPastic Stones Fans
30. Get the Mittens, Kitten
31. Aquatic Psychotic
32. Crotches full of Coins
33. Pseudo-hermaphrodites Gone Bad

i rememberher

I am introduced to her husband.
He has heard all about me.
I am the crazy one.
We had so much fun as kids.

He asks me what she was like back then.
He imagines a small blond child
Prettier than she is now,
he wishes this.

I tell him,
'Yeah,
She was a lotta fun.'
That we were always getting
into Trouble.

But it is not the truth.
The truth is i remember many of them.
But not all the time,
or all at once.
Every once in a while a face or time
will pop into my head and
i will be
THERE.
and i will miss them
in that moment.

But when you miss them,
you wish you mish
their guileless juvenile selves
Not this polished pseudo adult
that you see sitting before you.

she is manicured and clutching
her husbands hand
like an overexcited pig and
she has blonde highlights.

but then you knew that.
just like you know the fly
is heading for your face.

you knew she liked cruises
and watched Friends on Wednesdays
and enjoyed her Chardonnay.

this is your once chance to find out
otherwise.
that maybe she is secretly
a subversive like you.
that she, like thee, hates the smell of pubs
and never watches TV except in hotels.
and perhaps she never really even liked you.

Rice for dinner

THis is what they tell me to do with my rice, things that don't make sense.

'PRawn ovens and rinsing dogs. 2-3 stirs per serving, HI BOB! Add salt if necessary.'

What? Non committal instructions? Stirs as a noun?

What is going on? They are simply taking advantage of my cooking confusion. My moment of defendency and TRUST to dole out uncontrivably humiliating instructions. Lots of conflicting commands or explicit instructions to make something that will definitely taste poor.

Because I am stupid enough.

But back to the cooking instructions.

It was Brown Rice, right? That is what we're trying to make (just realised you could book me on punctuation abuse charges tonite, sorry, blame it on the incense. too much incense. OOOH! we'e in a triple sub-conversational diversion here. OOH).

Seems simple. Only the first set of instructions I find printed upon the bag are multi-step. The first step reads 'Cook the rice according to pack specifications.'

I kid you not.

And so i move on, hoping for a less devious set of instructions. The second set of instructions I find is a grid. Explaining Heat Categories and Wattages in said chart, is a grid full of letters and numbers. I take this chart to mean something to do with microwaves. I feel happily excused from this set of instructions and move on to the third and final set (well, ok, there is still the front of the bag left, but they rarely put instructions on the front. too busy with prominent logo displays and low-carb boasts).

The third and final set of instructions are nonsense. After all the time I spent earlier doing rice weight to milliliter of water calculations so that my rice would be dry and not soggy... this set of instructions tells me to pour cold water on my rice when it finished cooking. To clean and cool my fresh and fluffy hot rice. And then it tells you to 'Make sure the rice is always piping hot before serving.'

Hang on... must go stir rice........

professional wrestling is fixed

university was fab.
they teach you how to blag,
how to suck but not to gag.

'Money Don't Taste Bad,'
that was our dissertation
full of missing foot notations,
guess i ran out of patience...

you only pass this way but once,
please remember alumni funds.