Saturday, October 28, 2006

Episode 11: Bloated on Holiday in the U-S-A

my dear Doomed,

i am learning so much here on my american holiday. today i collapsed in hysterics to hear my aunt's summation to my father of the Days of Our Lives he missed while driving up to see her. complete with wild hand gestures. she, of recent cancer remission, had foolishly parked her red beehive wig on the kitchen counter, a wig i snatched up and claimed as my own.

i am eating lots of pie and things. to my delight, the family is obsessed with feeding me, as in the american stakes i am quite wee. i am therefore a candidate for constant cakes--hurrah! good thing i'll be leaving next week to begin working off the cakes and planning my next visit.

my mother does crosswords with the aid of dictionairies, thesaurases (thesaurass?), and several other illegal props. i called her a cheat and she snatched up my cold spaghetti, warning me to stop eating directly from the fridge. she told me i had BACTERIA in my mouth and that i was callously passing this bacteria on to her and my brother.

this same bacteria apparently lives in the mud and general yard area. after my vigorous afternoon of leaf raking, she snatched off my jogging bottoms to wash, even though i planned to wear them again the next day to finish the job. she literally ripped them off me in the kitchen and squirreled them down to the basement laundry. each morning she begs me for more dirty underwear and socks. my coat, hat, salvation army purchases, and even my hand bag are all now freshly washed.

there are lots of hicks in america. they still sell guns at walmart. since turkeys are colour blind, this year, walmart's turkey hunting gear features a stunning flourescent orange twig print. i bought Rab a orange twig hat as a souvenir of turkey season--or rather my dad did.

well, that's me. off to hang out my bedroom window and finish my spliff. mom's downstairs watching a movie. hurray for holidays!

much love,

your Bloated

3 Comments:

Blogger Phil said...

When did our family get so healthy?

And how come we're not the national model for a nuclear with 2.5 kids?

3:55 am  
Blogger Ryan James said...

sOME tIME hAS pASSED sINCE i lAST sTOPPED bY...(i rEMEMBER nOW aS bRIAN rEMINDS mE yOU wERE bACK iN b-lO aS wE hEARD yOU oN tHE pODCAST)...iT pLEASES mE tO kNOW tHAT tHE wHOLE fAMILY iS rIDICULOUS, yOUR mOTHER sCARES mE aLTHOUGH sHE hAS nEVER tRIED tO rEMOVE mY pANTS!

8:24 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you must b out of ur brilliant mind!

5:05 am  

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