MY DAY
Alex called.
I had to talk him from his ledge.
He bought his first gay porn.
There was a feature on the Russian gymnastic team.
THe Russians are coming! says Alex.
*
Porno.
What is the movie about? we asked the ticket lady.
You know what the movie is about, she said.
Did she just wink at us? Mick asked.
Yes, I said. Let’s buy tickets.
*
Yes, it is warmer in Barcelona.
There are more leisure boats in Barcelona.
I ate an ice cream in Barcelona.
Everyone else wants to live there.
*
I got my glasses back today.
After walking two blocks I felt sick.
All the women looked exhausted,
the sidewalks were filthy,
my shoes were those of a clown,
and my friends were jerks.
I returned home to reconsider my life.
*
Furrotica!
Discovered hidden beneath the litter box.
Busted!
*
I’m having so much fun.
This song is an athem.
The summer is over.
The song is embarrassingly cheap.
*
Buy our product! Buy our product!
You are ugly! You are ugly!
We make nice women, smooth orange women who make casseroles and drive Ferraris.
You will never get to meet these women
because they live in books
*
Head colds.
Make you snuffle in the night.
Make you say fuck fuck fuck as you sleep.
You don’t hear this of course
because you’re sleeping.
but your friends sleeping next to you do.
*
I was emitting large amounts of heat as I sleep.
They were all sweating.
I wasn’t.
How ironic.
*
How about those Canadians?
They’re bloody fucking great, that’s how.
(blows nose vigorously)
I want to marry a Canadian,
the race bred for marrying.
He will be reliable and trustworthy-
Make no mistakes.
*
The Calgary School of Marrying.
*
That hat just won’t fit on my head!
It fits Dai’s head.
He has a small Welsh head.
He would be a kiwi fruit,
The Canadians would be oranges,
trusty citrus fruit.
Never you mind what kind of fruit the Russians might be...
*
Mmmm… Mounties. Got the horn again.
*
Mounties take Alex's horn to Timpson to get rehorned
when the horn is all worn through.
Timpson is expensive, says Seizure, they are the most expensive.
*
OH, the things you can find in a dumpster.
Dumpsters, babies born of the mother dump you will never see.
Of dumps, I imagine hillocks of computer screens
and punks in Converse crawling about on top,
begging for a film crew or transvestite musical to
strike up the band.
*
Falling jars of ink is a classic oh shit moment.
Tree trunk rushing toward forehead is a classic oh shit moment.
*
I love when foreign people sing along to their favourite song
The words are all totally wrong.
Personal Jesus becomes Person Cheats Us.
It’s bad to laugh, but you can’t help it.
*
Hair dressers kill buttermilk and this continually wears out
the trainee doctors. The teenagers are dreaming of being hair dressers.
Already frustrated with buttermilk, they seek an outlet.
*
The day the hair meet the football was a sacred day.
They met on a muddy field.
The rest is history. This is why we celebrate.
THIS is why it is illegal to wear pigskin in your hair.
THE END.
I had to talk him from his ledge.
He bought his first gay porn.
There was a feature on the Russian gymnastic team.
THe Russians are coming! says Alex.
*
Porno.
What is the movie about? we asked the ticket lady.
You know what the movie is about, she said.
Did she just wink at us? Mick asked.
Yes, I said. Let’s buy tickets.
*
Yes, it is warmer in Barcelona.
There are more leisure boats in Barcelona.
I ate an ice cream in Barcelona.
Everyone else wants to live there.
*
I got my glasses back today.
After walking two blocks I felt sick.
All the women looked exhausted,
the sidewalks were filthy,
my shoes were those of a clown,
and my friends were jerks.
I returned home to reconsider my life.
*
Furrotica!
Discovered hidden beneath the litter box.
Busted!
*
I’m having so much fun.
This song is an athem.
The summer is over.
The song is embarrassingly cheap.
*
Buy our product! Buy our product!
You are ugly! You are ugly!
We make nice women, smooth orange women who make casseroles and drive Ferraris.
You will never get to meet these women
because they live in books
*
Head colds.
Make you snuffle in the night.
Make you say fuck fuck fuck as you sleep.
You don’t hear this of course
because you’re sleeping.
but your friends sleeping next to you do.
*
I was emitting large amounts of heat as I sleep.
They were all sweating.
I wasn’t.
How ironic.
*
How about those Canadians?
They’re bloody fucking great, that’s how.
(blows nose vigorously)
I want to marry a Canadian,
the race bred for marrying.
He will be reliable and trustworthy-
Make no mistakes.
*
The Calgary School of Marrying.
*
That hat just won’t fit on my head!
It fits Dai’s head.
He has a small Welsh head.
He would be a kiwi fruit,
The Canadians would be oranges,
trusty citrus fruit.
Never you mind what kind of fruit the Russians might be...
*
Mmmm… Mounties. Got the horn again.
*
Mounties take Alex's horn to Timpson to get rehorned
when the horn is all worn through.
Timpson is expensive, says Seizure, they are the most expensive.
*
OH, the things you can find in a dumpster.
Dumpsters, babies born of the mother dump you will never see.
Of dumps, I imagine hillocks of computer screens
and punks in Converse crawling about on top,
begging for a film crew or transvestite musical to
strike up the band.
*
Falling jars of ink is a classic oh shit moment.
Tree trunk rushing toward forehead is a classic oh shit moment.
*
I love when foreign people sing along to their favourite song
The words are all totally wrong.
Personal Jesus becomes Person Cheats Us.
It’s bad to laugh, but you can’t help it.
*
Hair dressers kill buttermilk and this continually wears out
the trainee doctors. The teenagers are dreaming of being hair dressers.
Already frustrated with buttermilk, they seek an outlet.
*
The day the hair meet the football was a sacred day.
They met on a muddy field.
The rest is history. This is why we celebrate.
THIS is why it is illegal to wear pigskin in your hair.
THE END.
posted by Camille at 10:01 pm
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