Rule 3: Stick your paws in--if they are still moist, then they're not dead.

Sniff the soil. Are there mouldy flies zipping around in its muddy clots? Watch for hours and days on end to see what you can discover--Are there potatoes or twiddle-bug family jewels buried on site?

Are there aphids?

Scratch off a leaf. Bat it around on the wooden floor with your partner. When you skid along the corridor, can you pick it up with your feet and dangle it above your mouth?

Shake it vigorously between your teeth.

Climb up the stem. Take a running start and sink your nails in deep, chew your way up to its delicate green canopy. Scout from the canopy top and peer into a new world at great height.

Propel yourself off the top. Clumsy but confident, fleeing the hairy monster that will PUNISH you for meddling with the indoor vegetation.

DAMMIT! they‘re in the plants again!
STARING FOR HOURS. pulling off leaves…
CLIMBING! I think the ficus are dead
THE FICUS! are they dead?

stick your paws in. if they are moist, then they’re not dead.