i dont have puppies

i've been working with retards all day. i've been wiping jellos from their chins and fastening their helmets. i've been explaining to them why one cannot successfully lick polka dots from t-shirts, nor spots from zebras. i've sworn to them that YES, TUESDAY, we will go to the zoo and feed the penguins. And wednesday we will feed the ducks on the canal while small ned children throw stones at their heads. EY, YA MUNTER BITCH, WHY DON'T YOU SNIFF A ROCK YOU HERD OF REETARDS.

i've been distracting the retards so they don't listen. i've been combing their hair so that the scraggly bits don't escape and obscure their view of bibs and cradles. i've been turning down their socks and brushing off the feathers from their trousers when they return from the beach.

i've been explaining why sand is not nutritious and how cat food cans arrive on said beach.

i've not been sleeping well. i've been stealing the covers from retards in the night. i've been quietly pinching them as they slumber to hear them cry GURGLE! from deep in a dreaming rage. i've been tipping their ice cream cones so the sorbet tips on to the sidewalk and leaves the retard bereft and crying.

i've been seeing a man about my anger. i've told him about my fist clenching every time i walk past the clarinet shop. i've been sobbing into his grey flannel shirt while he takes notes and wipes my snotty eyes.

i've been thinking a bit too much lately. i've been telling the retards about my sad childhood. i've been listening to their advice and trying to make sense of it. i've been enjoying the swagger of young girls on the pavement.

i've been taking the retards to the park and teaching them to play drums. i've heard puppies help you pick up girls and i don't have puppies, i have retards, so i take them.

i've not been on a date in a long time. i've not got much time away from the retards and if i took a girl to the movies with them they would SQUEAL and rustle popcorn in the darkness, secretly filling her purse with coca cola and skittles.

i've been wondering about the time the retards and i won the bowling trophy. i've been asking them if they want to play in the league again, or maybe take dance lessons.

i've been wanting to take some dance lessons.


to meet girls.