Poem: Who Peed on Santa's Knee?

What might Santa bring you...
A toy? An apple? A C-D player?
Oh please.
Why not nice rock.
A Shard of coal delivered from his red felt pocket
Like a pain in your skinny shin.
Selfish children, Santa hates when you pester him
At the malls, peeing on his knee,
Pleading for sweets.
You PUSHED him over the edge
With your expectations of visits
Every year.
Every house.
Excel spreadsheets with names of the naughty
And names of the nice.
He never wanted to slide down your grimy
Chimney for a bite of yo Muther’s Stale cookies.
Our Santy would rather sneak into your room
when you're tucked up snuggly buggly.
Press his bristly face reeeeeal close and---

Everyone knows there’s no such thing
As Santa Claus.